My struggles with anxiety began at a very early age. I was the only kid in preschool who couldn't nap.  A difficult childhood left me hypervigilant of my surroundings, obsessed with being productive, and always afraid of doing or saying the wrong thing. I felt like I was sitting on pins and needles all the time waiting for the other shoe to drop. The need to be productive developed into perfectionism which translated into social anxiety.

At 16 I had my first full-blown panic attack. I was out to the movies with some friends when I began to develop a headache. Soon my face and arms started tingling, and my extremities were ice cold. I felt a blanket feeling of fear like I was being sucked out of reality. I couldn't breathe, my hands were shaking, and it was like all the air had been sucked out of the room. I honestly thought I was dying.

At the hospital the doctor shrugged it off and said, “ It's nothing to worry about. It's just a panic attack.”  I didn't know what that meant except that I had gone through a very visceral experience only for it to be treated like it was nothing. I would learn how to manage and lessen the frequency of my panic attacks in later adulthood with the help of a therapist and self-education. 

Before any kind of therapy, my physical anxiety symptoms were a feeling of a lump in my throat, tight stomach muscles, my back and neck tied in knots, and frequent tension headaches. In Al-Anon ( a support organization for the friends and family of alcoholics) I learned cognitive behavioral therapy techniques where I rewired  my thoughts from self-destructive to self-affirming. I learned to meditate daily and built a social support system.  It was at this point that I discovered the restorative powers of acupressure through working with a massage therapist.  By learning different breathing exercises and practicing an acupressure routine everyday, I begin to add more and more tools to my self-regulation toolbox.  I began to shed my need for productivity and let go of perfectionism as I learned to have more patience with myself.

Coming to terms with my sexual and gender identities was especially tough. I grew up in a conservative Catholic family and was taught taught that homosexuality was a sin and being trans was a perversion. When I finally did come out in college, my parents did not take it well ( to put it lightly). They refused to call me by my chosen name and ignored my request that they use different pronouns. They took it personally as though I was punishing them, and my father started an intense campaign to try and get me to come back to the church to heal my “affliction”. This was was the catalyst to me cutting off contact completely with my family.

This may sound counterintuitive, but being self-reliant was the best thing that could have happened to me. I dove feet first into my healing journey. I discovered somatic improv where I learned to drop into my body and connect to the present moment. I began a daily tai chi routine and practiced it everyday for a year. I didn’t exactly make friends with my anxiety, but I learned not to judge it and to have patience with it until it ran its course and the feelings underneath surfaced. I stopped panicking about why I was anxious and trusted that the symptoms would not last forever. I gradually went from being in a constant dissociated state to inhabiting my body. It would be the beginning of my healing journey towards recognizing and attending to my body dysmorphia. I am now an out and proud transmasculine person who has undergone gender confirming surgery and is on hormones.

Comedy improv taught me how to exist in the moment and to not anticipate my next move.  I discovered my playful nature that had been buried under worry and anxiety.   Improv taught me that I did not have to be perfect.  I learned to think on my feet and to be comfortable in uncertainty. I find myself using these skills in almost every aspect of my life when faced with the unknown.

As a Certified Life Coach, I am honored to guide you through your own anxiety journey, support you as you as you accept your full identity, and help you create your own toolbox. Together we can explore a variety of self-soothing activities and therapies that you can carry with you as you take life one step at a time.

We’re in this together!